It’s another broken campaign promise.
Madonna has withdrawn from her pledge to provide some, er, satisfaction to Hillary voters, the latest disappointment in an election season full of them.
The singer had famously promised the oral sex last month — “And I am good,” she added, lest anyone question her gratification qualifications — but when a Hillary supporter, armed with a selfie of his ballot, showed up to claim the prize, he was greeted with derision.
Madonna made the oral sex promise during an Amy Schumer (r.) comedy show in October.
"Ha ha ha ha," laughed the security guard at her Madgesty’s Upper East Side manse. "I didn’t get that information, sorry, man."
He then hung up, leaving a reporter with the ultimate hanging chad. Indeed, given that I was the only man seeking to have my ballot punched, I wanted to ask a follow-up question: Was Madonna upset that no men showed up to be rewarded for saying “I’m with her”?
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There are only two possible conclusions a reasonable person could draw:
1. Men declined to show up because they did not want anything special from Madonna.
2. Men learned from our article yesterday that it is illegal to offer anyone anything in exchange for his or her vote.
Our story was mostly about companies offering voters free donuts, French fries or even gym workouts — but he also confirmed that federal law considers any such offer a bribe.
There was no line of men outside Madonna’s Upper East Side mansion on Tuesday, despite the singer’s promise to give oral sex to anyone who voted for Hillary Clinton.
But could a show of affection be illegal in the same way as a standard payoff? Depends on how. Certainly, if you were dating Madonna and you came home and said, “Hey, honey, I just voted for Hillary!” she just might feel so warm and cuddly over your shared support for America’s time-honored electoral tradition that she might take you right upstairs, where, we’re told, anything could happen.
I, for one, certainly don’t want the government in that bedroom.
38 photos view gallery Voters at the polls during the 2016 presidential election
But what if you were dating Madonna and she said, “Look, I know you like Donald Trump, but if you vote for Hillary, I’ll give you a b—job”? Worse, what if you were simply sitting at an Amy Schumer concert at Madison Square Garden on Oct. 18, and Madonna said this: “If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a b—job — and I am good.”
That’s a disgusting bribe, people. Emphasis on disgusting.
We know Madonna was in town because she gave a concert at Washington Square Park on Monday night.
“A bribe need not take the form of money; it may include items of pecuniary value given in exchange for a vote,” said the legal website USLegal.com.
So maybe Madonna turned me down because she knew she would be breaking the law to get into the groove with me.
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Then again, the law suggests that Madonna’s offer to work blue for a blue vote is legal if the recipient does not place any value on the gratification from the “Like a Virgin” singer. But the minute you show up for the reward, you’re basically admitting you do think oral sex from an international celebrity has some value.
So there’s another possibility — but I shudder to think that this is what’s really going on here: Perhaps Madonna’s offer to orally gratify the estimated 30 million men expected to vote for Hillary Clinton today was, horrors, not real.
“It’s only illegal if it was a serious offer,” said Rick Hasen, the Chancellor’s Professor of Law and Political Science at UC Irvine School of Law, “which this certainly is not.”
The good news? Well, the fact that no one is getting Madonna’s oral attentions for voting for Hillary today means that if she wins the election tonight with tens of millions of votes from American men, they were “with her” for pure, not prurient, reasons.
UPDATE: I emailed Madonna’s rep with two follow-up questions, but the email was not answered. Check back later for a possible update.